My Missing Puzzle

So many things I wanna write but when I faced my laptop it just gone away..... -_-"


okay! Let's do
Let's think like an adult, at least oh  ... come on let's think like a nineteen years old experienced girl!

-stuck for ten minutes-

uh... yeah well today or... what it exactly said!

Note : I don't need more evidence, okay, I have ear for hearing, I have eyes for seeing, I have heart for feeling, I hear, I see, and I feel. It's clear enough! You already stopped it, it's me who have to follow you stopping. I know, what I have to do, I can't to get out, I trapped, okay I know, so, now I have to take out my heart keep it again on the ice box, keep the feeling freezing, let my body here as a friend, let my mind for inspiring, and help my soul to runs away by your side. Ssshhh.... It doesn't really over, but I try to make it over, stay there and keep your girlfriend well, that what friend has to say, right? okay ..... I know I just hurt, pain, break in pieces, but let see, I still alive, I survive, well, yeah now I'll stay live, and take the rest of my precious life to continue everything. So, I'll be fine!

Somehow, I miss you, I know you miss me as well but... Miss sometimes doesn't mean wanna meet and repeat...

that's not a big deal for me... anymore!

The point is .............

Let give some attention!
point 1 --- I'm the limited puzzle
point 2 --- I'm extremely perfection voter for mate
point 3 --- I never stay to fall in un-serious relationship
point 4 --- I'm such a bad ass scandalous loner girl
okay! everything is clear!
I had ever falling in love with someone, but he doesn't make me complete, he is the wrong part for my life with his bossy-man personality, before we take the risk for will-end-up-broke relationship, I leave... Then after few months, I found that man, he's not a boy, he's a man, suitable for my perfection mind, his mind really for-future-minded , kinda bad little (I love that), not bossy, fine friend, but the one problem is, he doesn't love me when I loved him, and I doesn't love him when he loved me, the evidence that make me sure that we won't completing each other, we have no destiny to be together. For the same choice, I leave!

It hard at first, but .... I'm fine and now, it feels easy

Then, after years goes by since the last time I felt in love... I found him!
point 1 --- He's the limited edition missing-puzzle
Point 2 --- He's extremely perfection as well
Point 3 --- He's a serious person in friendship
Point 4 --- He's such a bad ass scandalous loner boy
Okay, everything complete --- I was thought---
One day, I fall in love with him, then he makes me feel completely complete, he exactly suitable with my empty-part on my puzzle, I love his good and bad personality and love how he try to be honest person. We have same mind. Everything seems perfect, it was looks perfect. After I gave attention for one thing, he just already becomes someone else missing-puzzle, he already makes complete another girl, he already makes that puzzle fix, he can't move or that puzzle will mess up again.

And then... I listened the wrong-sign bell rang.. Tetottt..... Wrong person! uh-oh... Fail!

I give more attention.
Okay, we're suitable, okay we're can complete each other, okay we love each other ... But, it's not fair for another puzzle. I'm the puzzle too, I know how it feels. I know how it feels when the perfect life that you thought just happened all of sudden getting messy because of the wonder limited women in other side, that's fail.............

I give more heart.
Okay, we can be still friend

I give more more attention and I realize, it just me who try to talk with myself to give confident to stay away! Complicated huh...

I give attention again. I look deeply, when we were together, yes I felt complete but, it just in a glance, when I saw it again and again, I know the shape of the puzzle was complete but not the picture. I need triangle and you're triangle, I need square and you're square, I need prism and you're prism, but the picture is wrong, I need yellow but you're orange -the orange one is she-, I need the last part of beach picture but you're the last part of mountain picture -the mountain picture one is she-, I need a part for a princess with pink dress picture, yes you're, you are the last part of the princess picture but with the withe dress, not pink -see it- the princess picture with white dress one is she-

Everything clear now, we're suitable in shape but the color just wrong!

I never know if it will forever or someday your color changes, whatever . Now, I wont make that perfect puzzle mess up. Stay calm...

-It's easy to say but hard to do-
I know you already know it since long long time ago and how fail I just realize it few times ago after I saw both of you went together (and saw how suitable both-of-you are like adam and eve, romeo and juliet). At least I try and I success to try, it just need time to do....

I still believe that we fated to be together, I still believe that we're layla and majnun, I still believe that someday I can hold your hand tightly without guilty feeling, I still believe I love you but............

Yeah I had ever said few years ago "Don't ever hurt her, I'm a woman too, I know how it feels, don't ever try to hurt her or I'll kill you" I said that as a warm-heart friend, I don't know if you remember or not, but now how surprise that I am the one who can be the reason she's hurt, sorry to say but that rule still rule! "Don't ever hurt her, take care your girlfriend" that what friend has to say...

I love you, and I love how she loves you or you love her. Somehow it hurts but I love you two! Stay with that serious love, or I'll getting upset to see what I try to make up just get a mess!

and keep it in your head, once I know that both of you getting mess again and being hurt, you won't ever can stop or runaway from me, I'll take my chance to get you as my damn-missing-puzzle, I won't be the warm-heart friend like this twice, just once .... You know how evil I can be!

From Your dearest friend, the-missing-puzzle-hunter

For, my dear, my missing-suck-puzzle

Stay believe in friendship! Fate just God knows! That's the point at all...
Keep missing me, I keep missing you, keep loving me, I keep loving you until the time comes and .... make it can be learned!

Jealous or/and Envy

Jealous is, when he hangs out with his girlfriend and I getting angry and jealous with his girlfriend
Envy is, when he hangs out with his girlfriend and I getting angry because he has girlfriend and I don't have boyfriend ...

I thought it back to re-categorized my feeling .....

LoL -_- yeah, maybe will help!

I'm So Ugly by 40 Below Summer

Cause I'm a sideshow freak - a long legged geek
Gonna be feeling the flames and feel the heat of my pain
Now I know everybody hates me -
Tries to fake me and tries to degrade me
Ain't shit, never gonna be shit -
And I don't give a shit - not one little bit
Oh please, just shut the fuck up -
Why the hell are you so stuck up
Oh please, just leave me be -
I know but I can't believe that
I'm so ugly - nobody wants me -
I'm so ugly that nobody ever wants to touch me
I'm so ugly - nobody wants me -
I'm so ugly that nobody ever wants me
I shouldn't kill, but I will if I must -
I'm going off and I'm about to bust
In the dark - can't find my way -
And I wake up to it every single day
But I'll keep moving on -
Singing that same old song - Yo, I gotta be strong
I'll keep moving on -
Singing that same old song - for how long
Don't ya know that my life's killing me -
Don't ya know from before that I still bleed
Why can't you set me free -
You'll always see that
I'm so ugly - nobody wants me -
I'm so ugly that nobody ever wants to touch me
I'm so ugly - nobody wants me -
I'm so ugly that nobody ever me
Shut the fuck up - sit your ass down
It's my time bitch - eat your heart out [x2]
Shut the fuck up - sit your ass down
It's my time now eat your fucking heart out [x2]
I'm just one ugly mother fucker [x4]
I'm so ugly [x4]

Menyamar

Aku menghentikannya, aku sudah mencoba menghentikannya tapi dialam bawah sadarku aku tetap terus memimpikan semuanya, membuatku tidak ingin bangun lagi ketika tidur dan memaksaku untuk tidak tidur saat terjaga karena terjaga darinya begitu menyakitkan

Rasanya seperti saat kau tidur kau mendapati dunia terbaik yang selalu kamu harapkan dan tepat di klimaksnya, tanpa antiklimaks sedikitpun dunia itu hilang begitu saja dan kau bangun dengan keadaan shock. Kamu benci karena berharap terus tidur selamanya saat terbangun, namun disaat yang sama kau tidak akan berusaha tidur lagi dan mendapatkan lagi mimpi itu karena saat kau terjaga saat itulah kau sadar bahwa dunia itu hanyalah mimpi, sebuah informasi yang sangat mengecewakan yang membuatmu bahkan tidak ingin tidur lagi untuk mengulangnya.

Kemarin untuk beberapa saat aku sempat mengalihkan pikiran. Aku pikir aku berhasil, aku hampir sukses, paling tidak aku bisa tersenyum dan menyukai orang lain dengan normal. Aku mencoba dan saat aku mulai menyelami pikiranku lebih dalam, rasanya memang pengalih itu tidak benar dan tidak manjur.

Aku pernah bertemu 'teman spesial' masa SMA, saat dulu aku tidak sempat menyampaikan perasaanku padanya, hingga sekarang melihat wajahnya masih membuat aku gugup. Kemarin dia terlihat sama seperti setahun lalu saat terakhir aku melihatnya, manis, tapi saat kukira aku masih mencintainya, aku juga ternyata salah.

Aku ingat, temanku bilang 'mantan pacarku' pernah mencariku. Aku tidak punya ekspektasi apapun, karena memang itu sudah lama berakhir, aku hanya menyayanginya sebatas teman dan dia punya pacar yang lebih baik sekarang, tapi ketika terpintas dalam pikiranku sesuatu, sesuatu yang kupikir juga bisa mengalihkan pikiranku, aku berhenti saat itu juga dilangkah pertama. Aku akan melakukan kesalahan lagi jika memulainya. Aku tahu betul aku menyayanginya tidak lebih dari seorang teman.

Aku bahkan tahu siapa yang pernah menulis pesan 'love you' -yang lain- dikertas pesan dipintu, orang yang baik, pintar, eksistensinya bagus, aku sering bertemu dengannya dikampus bahkan, kami berteman sejak semester pertama, beda prodi sih tapi.... ketika aku berpikir lebih jauh, aku tidak sanggup, aku sama sekali tidak pernah tega menggunakan dia sebagai 'alat' pelega bahwa aku masih punya -orang lain-, atau bahkan 'alat' untuk membalas dendam.

Yang bisa aku lakukan adalah bermimikri, mimikri macam apa? Aku perempuan, dan perempuan didunia ini semua tahu bahwa jenis kami adalah yang terbaik dalam menyamarkan banyak hal. Kami pandai menyamarkan kejelekan sehingga kami selalu terlihat canitk, kami bahkan menyamarkan kejelekan itu kadang hanya dengan senyuman, kami pandai menyamarkan amarah dengan kabur ke toilet wanita untuk memukul-mukul tembok atau berteriak dan keluar dengan wajah sumringah, kami bisa menyembunyikan rasa benci pada orang lain dan melampiaskannya lewat tatapan merendahkan yang tidak terlihat, kami bisa menyamarkan kekuatan kami yang membuat orang melihat kami selalu perlu bantuan, kami pandai menyamarkan sembab merah mata dengan polesan bedak yang telaten, kami pandai menyamarkan mata kurang tidur kami dengan riasan yang sedikit tapi bermakna, kami bisa samarkan rambut yang lima hari tidak keramas dengan vitamin rambut atau hiasan rambut yang menyegarkan, kami bisa samarkan semuanya,  hanya kadang ada satu hal yang kami para perempuan sulit untuk samarkan keberadaannya. Perempuan sulit menyamarkan kebohongan dan perasaan cinta.

Aku selalu ingin menjadi bunglon yang sempurna, tapi aku cacat untuk berubah warna disaat aku ingin.

Dan pada akhirnya yang kulakukan hanyalah menyamarkan keberadaanku sendiri, aku berubah menjadi seseorang yang 'penting' namun disaat yang sama bukan orang yang harus untuk dipandang secara detail. Itu membuat semakin banyak orang mengenalku namun semakin sedikit yang memahamiku.

Aku selalu bisa, karena aku kuat, aku selalu berusaha mencari segala-galanya cara untuk bertahan sendiri, setengah diriku mungkin bisa melakukannya, tapi tersisa setengah yang mati, kosong, hilang, dan tidak pernah mau menerima segala bentuk pertahanan yang aku buat. Salah satunya adalah alam bawah sadarku. Jauh disini, aku tertekan oleh tingkah alam bawah sadarku.

Selama aku tidak mampu kendalikan mimpi maka yang aku bisa hanya kendalikan tidur.
Lelah memang mempunyai banyak kegiatan dan pekerjaan. Tapi aku merasa lega ketika aku selalu punya alasan untuk menghindari tidur, aku tidak pernah ingin melewati fase dimana aku harus bermimpi karena mimpi itu terus terulang seperti piringan kaset rusak dan adegan terulang dibagian yang sama.

Aku hanya tidur ketika aku benar-benar lelah dan benar-benar yakin tidak akan bermimpi.
Sungguh aneh! Tapi memang hanya itu yang bisa kulakukan, tidak ada cara yang lebih baik, tidak akan pernah ada, dan mungkin sejak hari hari dan hari berlalu, eyeliner, mascara, dan semua yang bisa menutupi bahwa malam ini aku tidak tidur, hari demi hari akan semakin kentara....

Aku tidak menemukan cara menyamar yang lebih baik dari ini....

In My Head by Jason Derulo

Jason Derulo.
Deluga Heights.
J. J. J. J. J. R.
Come on.

Everybodys looking for love. Oh. Oh.
Aint that the reason youre at this club. Oh. Oh.
You aint gonna find a dance with him. No. Oh.
Got a better solution for you girl. Oh. Oh.

Just stay with me now. Say the word and well go.
Ill be your teacher. Ill show you the ropes.
Youll see a side of love you've never known.
I can see it going down, going down.

In my head, I see you all over me.
In my head, you fulfill my fantasy.
In my head Youll be screaming no.
In my head, its going down.
In my head, its going down.
In my head. Yeah. In my head. Oh yeah.

Some dudes know all the right things to say.
When it comes down to it, its just a game.
Instead of talking let me demonstrate. Yeah.
Get down to business lets skip foreplay.

Just leave with me now. Say the word and well go.
Ill be your teacher. Ill show you the ropes.
You'll see a side of love you've never known.
I can see it going down, going down.

In my head, I see you all over me.
In my head, you fulfill my fantasy.
In my head You'll be screaming no.
In my head, its going down.
In my head, its going down.
In my head.

Break it down. Ay-oh. Come on. Ay-oh. Ay-oh.
You singing to me baby in my head right now. Ay-oh. Ay-oh. Come on.
Shell be screaming out when it all goes down.

Just leave with me now. Say the word and well go. We can go.
Ill be your teacher. Ill show you the ropes.
Youll see a side of love you've never known.
I can see it going down, going down.

In my head, I see you all over me.
In my head, you fulfill my fantasy.
In my head You'll be screaming no.
In my head, its going down.
In my head, its going down.

In my head, I see you all over me.
In my head, you fulfill my fantasy.
In my head You'll be screaming more.
In my head, its going down.
In my head, its going down.
In my head
---------------------


Just always wanna dance when hear this one ... another cool song!

The Stuff

I had ever hear about the quote -the boy says "you're pretty even thought without this stuff" -- yeah such a cool quote but although it's pretty true, almost of it just bullshit... Why I said that...

you know boys sometime just be an immature person for judging...

I know, I realize that me and every-girl in this word just born to be pretty even without that stuff but someway they make us feel prettier and confident ... yahhh... don't be bullshit person please, you know, when I go out without it, someboy even stare at me *oh hollaaaa.... then after I use them all, they're not only stare, they look at me like a starving dog look a bunch of meat.. hanging out the tongue (I'm not sexy at negative side, me, even use veil when hanging out) *harsh huh? that's the fact.... do you feel you're holly... huh...

then, after we use them, are we bitch? no at all.... are we that cheap? no at all......

why being like this can be wrong, I feel better at all, I feel fresher than before, and I feel fine... So. the judging eyes, stop stares me,m I love being myself.....

Girls always love being themselves with or without this stuff all.....
I never like with the boys who like judging, immature, and always expect every-girl as sweet as their mind... that so small brain for boys... how could you guys be a man later if you just fun to be boyish, such a childish thing you know.....

-Harsh huh, so hard to keep the fuck up, I hate to see much much of this kind of boys... the little stupid judge- and this stuff just little example... I dont have to tell the other example one by one right? it just clear enough... we have sooo little number of 'man' here -_-"

Hello Campus

Okay, it will be my last post tonight... *Put my fingers up* ^^V swear....

Pathetic huh? I can't feel time goes by.... It's already (all of sudden) two months after last day I went to campus for exam and last day at 4th semester then tomorrow Monday will comes again as 5th semester student... And I don't prepare anything... Such a fail -_-"

Okay *karena galau* so I take some photos few times ago for my preparation to campus... What what, it just some outfit -fail again, it's exactly not a fashion blog, gawd- but yeah... wanna share little :)

Mom's veil (I always use head-cover or veil when going outside :) ), dark pink shirt [I don't really know the name of this color, just pink maybe] the shirt just cute, it has a ribbon belt around the waist. Green safir ring, gift from my auntie who had been from mekkah few days ago for umroh, green bandana and bow brooch (made by myself ^^ as well the bow brooch)

Sorry for lame picture, I don't really know why resolution just changed anyway :(, and ignore the mess room haha... Shirt and skirt are old, tight shirt and my mom's skirt yeah ^^, pink glasses (I use glasses :p ), and a pink lace that I put on my hand as accessories

Here... I love this shoes, nice shoes, Merk : Yongki Komaladi, I bought it in cheap cost when they had opened "the sale" haha ... *always have the girl taste for shopping

Ignore the mess... That such a hell XD *just shame......

Purple purple purple XD

Just simple head-cover without any accessories but the pink lace that I tied on ^^, Purple and pink just cute (I love full-color)

The last, pink veil with green "bandana". Sometimes I just getting bored with usual veil-style so I make the new. Ahhh if you never use, you won't see how it changed.. haha .... but I still love it XD

See... yeah, I ready for campus tomorrow Monday XD ... and okay, I have to comeback for my paper, -Horrison about Osteoporosis and Surgical principle Orthopaedics wait for me yeah...--- See ya later ^^

*WetKiss to screen hahaha....